6 Spousing Strategies for
Happy, Long-Lasting Marriages
1. Values
It helps to start by marrying a person that shares your values, and therefore has the same perspective on family, fidelity, finances, work, education, politics, religion, etc. [My dad said that] Marrying the right spouse is as important to happiness as choosing the right career, so pursue both with equal vigor.
2. Interests
In modern cultures, it's beneficial for couples to have common interests — because common values (#1 above) are frequently not enough to maintain a happy marriage in the context of dual careers in which couples spend most of their working days (and waking hours) away from each other (and often with the opposite sex). If couples aren’t spending non-working time together on common interests, then they risk growing apart.
However, in addition to common interests, the healthiest couples also have different interests—and the independence to pursue those separate interests. This concept is poetically expressed here: themarginalian.org/2018/09/03/rilke-love-marriage/ .
This attribute relates to the friendship dimension of the Spousing framework.
3. Experiences
Through your common interests (#2 above) and values (#1 above), build a history of shared experiences. For example, travel together to extraordinary places, or participate together in exceptional events. When a couple has a strong foundation of experiences that bond them, then their latest disagreement won't materially perturb their marriage.
Mark Twain said, “grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you need to have somebody to divide it with”. After establishing some common experiences, don’t just dwell on these past experiences (like a honeymoon) because relationships become stale when they’re just preoccupied with reminiscing about the past — they stay vibrant when they’re looking forward to sharing new experiences.
4. Rituals
To complement extraordinary experiences (#3 above), it's beneficial for couples to have daily rituals that reinforce their bond.* These can be as simple as kissing before departing for work, regularling buying flowers, or lighting candles for dinner. While these rituals might seem trite, regular rituals that reinforce the bonds of marriage are important in that they help couples transcend daily pitfalls and little insecurities.
This is applicable to the lover-ship dimension of the Spousing framework.
5. Teamwork
Given the importance of shared experiences (#3 above) and rituals (#4 above), realize that both spouses have to work hard to keep a marriage happy. Marriages, like all long-term relationships, require care and maintenance. Perhaps one of the most common causes of marriage breakdown is when one spouse feels the other isn’t putting commensurate effort into making the marriage happy.
In pursuing spousing as a team effort, it’s good to have a strong sense of “we-ness”. Encourage, support and revel in each other’s success. What’s good for one is also good for the other. Note that if couples are jealous of each other’s successes, then they have a serious problem. Your spousing effort should include reasonably maintaining your mental and physical health.
This relates to the partnership dimension of the Spousing framework.
6. Expectations
Even if you diligently abide by all the above, you’re still going to have disagreements — because no life or relationship is non-stop bliss. Therefore, rather than laboriously arguing about an inane issue — just stop, because time heals and brings perspective. In the next hour or day, it often becomes obvious how inconsequential the issue was. Accordingly, it’s okay to sometimes go to sleep disagreeing. No spouse is perfect. Accept weaknesses and differences, unless they’re life threatening. Also, don’t hold grudges.
